Dear Carla,
I have a serious problem. I was with one of my best friends for the past two years, I wanted badly to be exclusive with him, he always wanted to keep the distance. Eventually I got sick of waiting for him to come around and broke it off. We were still friends but no more sex, no more feelings, no more crying. I started dating another guy I met at the restaurant where I work. He's GREAT in bed but kind of a waste of life. Anyway, my friend met him a few nights ago and FREAKED OUT. He was crying, hysterical, told me he loves me, got wasted and passed out in my bed. I went to the new guy's house, who didn't seem to care too much. Carla, what do I do? Do I go back to the old guy? Keep the new guy? Start all over?
Here's the problem with going back to Friend Guy : It's great that you two are friends and everything, but from what you just described it sounds like this guy has a pretty typical case of "I only want you when I can't have you" -itis. It's no good. I know there's probably part of you that is thinking, "Maybe Friend Guy just needed to experience the cold hard reality of me hooking up with Restaurant Guy before he could access his TRUE feelings for me." Which maybe is partially true, but here's the catch- if Friend Guy is going to make a good romantic partner, he shouldn't need the shock of seeing you with another guy to get his shit together. If you and F.G. are going to end up together, in a committed relationship, it should be on a different foundation. The last thing you want is to dump Restaurant Guy and get all Facebook Official with Friend Guy, only to have him get bored in six weeks after he realizes his mental version of you as a romantic ideal isn't real and isn't enought to "fix him" or whatever. Then Friend Guy becomes Jerk Guy. As for Restaurant Guy, if y'all are clicking sexually and you don't want anything more out of it then why worry. Dropping both all together is also an option. Join tinder and have fun.
Dear Carla,
I am at a crossroads. I am a straight female who has only ever dated guys. I've made out with a few female friends here and there throughout the years and never got anything out of it. However, I find that when I watch porn, I only ever watch lesbians! Does this mean I should try to have sex with a woman? Have I been missing out all these years? What if I do and it totally grosses me out? Help!
Okay, just a few things to start off with.
1. Watching porn of a particular orientation is not an accurate marker of YOUR sexual orientation. Watching gay porn doesn't make you gay.
2. With that being said watching lesbian porn doesn't mean "you should try having sex with a woman."
Honestly, you would like a female sexual partner, you shuld find a consenting female sexual partner. Be as transparent as possible and have fun. Get drunk and go to 80's night at the chamber, it'll be a blast.
Dearest Carla,
I am writing with a question that could determine the future of my relationship. I am a male who has been with my girlfriend for more than five years. She works many hours a week on an odd schedule so we don't get a lot of 'intimate' time together. Recently, she came home after a long shift and told me she would be fine with it if I wanted to 'be with other women', since she has been so unavailable. The problem is, I don't want to be with anyone else, and there doesn't seem to be a reasonably timed ending to this schedule being our lifestyle. Is she offering this to me because she wants to 'branch out'? Should I just take her up on it? Should I ask her to quit her job? I love this woman and don't want to lose her.
Ouch. Regardless of how pragmatic her motivations may have been for suggesting different partners for you, if I were in your shoes my feelings would be hurt, straight up. It's hard to not imagine when she says "It's fine if you want to sleep with other people" that the implication might be "I want to sleep with other people too". Even if this isn't the case, your situation is complicated, you love this woman and don't want to lose her. It sounds like you two have defined very different ideals for your relationship. Did you tell her that you don't want anyone else? If not then do so and see what she says. It might be something of a relief for her to hear, and could elicit a response along the lines of "Oh good, me neither, I was just feeling guilty/insecure about being unavailable/ inaccessable in this relationship and I didn't want you to feel trapped". In which case, have a conversation and work things out. However if the response you get is different, it might be time to reevaluate.
Hi Carla!
I just got out of a long term relationship (straight female) and have a month long trip to Europe planned with my BFF. I have been spending a lot of time with a really sweet guy in the mean time, who definitely wants some kind of relationship with me. I don't think I'm ready for that so quickly after the breakup, and I want to get it on with hot foreigners on my trip! But I'm afraid I might be missing out on a great future with this nice man. Is this just a rebound? Should I cancel my trip? What do I do Carla?!
Please don't rob yourself of hot foreign rebounds! You said it yourself: you're not ready for a new relationship. If this new guy has the potential to be an awesome partner right now, he'll still have that same potential when you get back from Europe. Starting a new relationship in the wake of a major break up sounds like a sure-fire way to ensure a messy and (probably) short lived relationship. Getting serious with this guy right now diminishes your chances at a sustainable relationship way more than picking things back up after Europe. And once more- HOT FOREIGNERS!
Love Always, Carla
